Satan & his allies are smooth, but don’t them him fool you…

…every problem they claim they’ll solve, he’ll really just make worse.

By now, you’ve probably witnessed Satan’s smooth politicking. As a candidate in next month’s Leader of the World election, he’ll be standing as the representative of the Devil’s Party (of which William Blake has accused author John Milton of being an unknowing member), and so far he’s run a perfect campaign.

A little too perfect.

Historically — for centuries, in fact — Satan has caught flack for being overly scary, abrasive, not approachable enough; he seemed more like the sort of fellow who would attempt to stage a coup than the sort who would stand in an election. But now, he’s seeking to ditch past perceptions and paint a new picture of himself, one in which he’s compassionate and a fighter for the forgotten man.

“All is not lost!” he roared in his campaign announcement speech, for we still have “the unconquerable will, and study of revenge, immortal hate, and courage never to submit or yield.” In his last bid for office, he was soundly defeated, but now, he’s even spinning that into a victory, crediting all those who backed his first campaign as striking “terror” in the hearts of tyrants and monarchs, and allowing him to learn from his mistakes.

His sudden savvy didn’t begin with that speech. In fact, the way in which he went about winning the backing of party officials was downright Machiavellian, shrewd as anything and vaguely frightening. Many contingents of the party were uninterested in participating in the election at all; many thought declaring open war on their enemies would be a better move. Embittered Party Chair Belial took this view, arguing in essence that they have nothing left to lose, being held in ill repute by most every segment of the population. Communications Director Belial stood up to him, but this seemed less borne of strategy or pacifistic leanings than laziness. And then Treasurer Mammon lashed out and argued that to bow to the tyranny of the status quo would be an intolerable sin, a moral betrayal. The party was, in short, pissed off and fragmented.

But Satan knew better than any of them how to get what he wanted. He never came right out and told party officials that he regarded the warlike plan as asinine and destined for failure; instead, he shrewdly opened the floor to debate and then enlisted a close ally, the suave Vice Chair Beelzebub, who delivered an impassioned speech in favor of electoral participation that appeared to take into account all the warring factions’ feelings. Satan was, of course, the master behind this entire exchange, but the party leadership were either too gullible or too desperate to see that, and they all ended up nominating Satan as their electoral head, delivering him a sort of “Draft Satan” moment that permitted him to feign grassroots support.

Satan knew better than any of them how to get what he wanted.

And so it continues in the election. He’s telling everyone what they want to hear: “Our best days are ahead of, not behind us,” he’s assured us; “We must stand up to those who have done us ill,” he says on every campaign stop. Some voices have expressed concern that this is all part of a trap, that voters will regret it if they cast their ballots for him — that he’ll destroy everything we hold dear, and crown himself as a dictator. If people feel oppressed now, just wait till he’s the one calling the shots! If they feel humiliated, just wait and see how they feel when they realize they’ve been played for fools and enabled one of the most power-hungry, manipulative figures of our time. But those concerns aren’t being heeded seriously yet, and time is running out.

Ironically, the greatest hope for averting catastrophe might come from Satan himself, and whatever is left of his shredded conscience. Party insiders close to him have recently begun murmuring that he’s begun privately expressing doubts about his plans, wondering whether there’s another path he might have taken, one unifying rather than divisive and honest rather than deceptive. But that’s not enough. Voters seem enamored of his tell-them-what-they-want-to-hear messaging, but it’s vital for the wellbeing of all that he be handed a ballot box drubbing next month.